It's so strange that I haven't updated this in forever. I've been kind of addicted to my livejournal account. But, I thought today I'd switch things up.
I'm taking a break from cleaning my room. Partly because it seems to be an impossible task and part because I found some notes and letters Chris had given to me. I'm not sure why tonight of all nights I got emotional. I just kind of sat there and read them. All of a sudden, I began to cry. I'm not sure what the tears were for. Maybe they were regret, maybe they were anger...
But, I think they were sadness...of a lost friend. We still talk occasionally, but it's not at the same intimacy level as before. I feel abandoned in a way. I keep thinking about all the wonderful times with him. I have such great memories. He really was a good guy.
So, the whole love situation is strange right now. Ravi is with Curtis. As far as Ravi and Curtis are concerned, I think it's really great. I kind of expected to feel more deserted, but I like this guy and I know that Ravi will always be there for me if I need him. Being single is difficult to deal with at times, but I think I'm getting used to it. I've been going to the gym, reading, and just taking time for myself. I think it'll probably be easier when school starts again.
Now, I'll get back to cleaning my room. -Molly
P.S. My next post will not be about romance OR school.
If my lip isn't bleeding now, it will be soon. Chewing at it relieves some sort of anxiety I have built up and I don't know how to cope with it. There are things that I wish I still had but know I don't need. It's a selfish impulse, but I'm still guilty of wanting it/that/him/her.
My itunes just started playing a song from Ka, a production done by Cirque du Soleil called Reach For Me Now. It just soothed my mood.
I'm feeling lonely tonight. I'm feeling hopeful, but lonely. I'm trying, so hard...
I will get there, I want to be selfless.
God, I'm opening my heart to you now. I'm trying to let you in. I want so bad to know and feel the love that you show so many other people, but I don't feel you. Therefore, I must conclude again, you don't exist.
